love me right

when will you be the one

to grab me

tell me shame-faced

"i think this is different, i think.."

run around in circles. go 'head, i know

come up with ways to charm this same-sexed mystery

choking on suggestions, things you should mention

so as to not come off.. you know "homo"

are you gonna..

hold back,

re-

press, 

re-

gress?

like

I

have..

cuz

I 

have

my hands are tired of writing nameless letters

i repeat, cuz i love

   and repeat cuz i love 

and repeat cuz i love

cuz I have.

imagining how nice 

it

 would be

without your

boy

friend

do you know how it is?

knowing I can't have that privilege?

to look at you like he does

even if this is not love

id like the choice

some comfort

when will you love me outdoors like you do

in?

i wanna love you 

e-v-e-r-y-w-h-e-r-e

every state 

every city

every room

every place.

you only love me in secrets

in metaphors,

and similes

even synonyms

in speechlessness and pensiveness

in anger and fear

in every emotion

but never in person, 

much less is it spoken

 and i'm not that person you'd like to be.

the one to polish and refine

i just want comfort

to know you can speak, 

move, breathe

that you too

are comfortable, 

with us, like them. 

hello there

Ive been MIA for a while, Ive been extremely busy with a number of really good things for the most part. Last weekend was amazing. I got to hang out with my buddy Kirby and go to a show at AS220. We went to go see Roz Raskin Perform with her band "Roz Raskin and the Rice Cakes," I love them! while there we actually fell in love with one of the opening bands, Boston-based "You can be a Wesley." I read a review on them that described the band as "surf rock meets girl pop", I thought it was pretty accurate. I loved them so much I bought their vinyl, T-shirt and some posters from both bands :] I met some really amazing people, caught up with other just as amazing peeps as well as caught my eye on this gorgeous girl!! >.< ha ha

I worked the rest of my weekend..

Lately Ive been doing more reflecting than usual which makes it difficult to catch up with all my thoughts enough to write them all down in an organised way seeing as I have not kept up with my entries, but you'll get some jambalaya and enjoy it!

Yesterday I went to Newbury street out of impulse to go check out some clothing, cuz I am, I must admit, pretty materialistic to an extent. I realized it was more of a therapeutic exercise, run with me here, I just notice that I don't actually have to purchase anything, the mere idea of getting myself something makes me feel so much better on an off-day its like an Independence and security test, that I have the option to if I really felt like it. I actually did not buy anything special. I bought two books, one on Nietzsche and the other a book on Freudian concepts, not the average purchase, but I'm very proud on investing more on expansion of knowledge.

Ive been wanting to read psychoanalytic theory for a while now, I'm very interested in the unconscious as well as dreams and the overall development and make up of the mind. I remembered that interest in a used books store called "The Raven" on Newbury, it just opened at this location three weeks ago! and so looked for and purchased the two. I read a good amount on my bus ride back and was learning about the unconscious mental life and about the origins of motivation. Its really interesting and I plan to teach myself a lot more of his and other material throughout the summer as well as take a class some time in the near future on the subject.

as far as poetry month, I decided not to participate because it touches a soft spot that Id rather not be a part of, I will get back into writing shortly, but not now.

School is well, almost over! scary.


this summer I will be busy! (THANK JESUS!)

I was very intimidated by the summer because of situations that have somewhat improved that were originally threatening my state of mind come that time, but like I said they have improved.

I didn't know what I would occupy my time with, since I did not want this to be like every other year; working two or three jobs wishing I had more of a purpose.

Its not! I will actually be interning at Youth Pride Inc, working on, participating in and planning its annual hike!  as well as working two jobs but thats besides the point! I'm a work freak, that will never change.

I did not know who I would spend my free time with, I had lost a lot of connections with people that used to be very important to me, I have reconnected with a few, but best of all I have made many new connections with amazing people that I am confident will stick around. Life is good.


Love you all. :] <3

deception

peach teardrops over marching ants crawling
backwards
dried sap stuck on twig-like fingers under
tapestries
you woe me with plastic
love

fast pace two-stepping on hardwood floors wet all
over
rough slippage bare-back sliding on our limbs reaching
forward
false gripping on phantom holsters in
the dark

never felt like this

i do not recall

when


you stitched your smile sideways
revealed dimples on hills of sully

tip toed past thumbnails

poking-
out
to
get
me
planted by past lovers
hanging above your head
eyes dancing in the humidity
damp rooms keep your mind static
from untamed phobias
till you realize 

the deception

the cosmos

spent days wondering what i can do more correct
whats been missing in failed attempts at satisfaction
ive managed to rid myself old loves and importances
gained some enlightenments
a bit too... perfect

and i wonder which way my feet walk when im not looking
down
how far id walk if i didnt have to
stop
how much id love you if you were the only one
around
if the cosmos would go wandering with me as i get
lost
in question marks and hypothetical situations
when hypothetically..
id still find you next to me

in reality you left before you ever came
because you could never love me
with all the doors i would not open
and all the words left unspoken.