i understand my struggle and thats what matters to me. what i also need to understand and accept is that its no one else's business and talking about it is a joke so ill just write it out so i can reread it to myself later and call myself an idiot when i in that moment accept what i am thinking now, that i am paranoid and need to relax. but my feelings dont work well with my thoughts as most humans operate and so i have no reason to explain myself to anyone. im in a place and time where focusing in on my self is very natural, not to mention its already ingrained in me so given the circumstances its been blown out of proportion. im a mess in an instant and fully composed in another and at this instant im in between and collected. I cant control a train wreck of thoughts and so i wont.
usually my friends keep me on balance, the glue on my shoes. we need to catch up.
i am the person that i am due to the environment i was placed in and the decisions i made once i was able to leave.
i am not over my mistakes
and thats the biggest issue right now
fuck those mistakes.
cuz youre the only one who gives a fuck
because those mistakes might fuck you over later
and thats why you feel less than
because you are the eldest and youngest at the same time
because you hold the hearts of a hundred palms
and misplaced yours in the bundle
and the only thing you crave is a pat from a father who fucked your life over
who can go through glasses like pages in books
and your biggest desire is to fix your mothers back
and give her back all the sweat she pours
in factories
and kitchens
for dancing dollars that tease her hands but
never reach her pockets
and you wanna take your brother out for an ice cream
because you know he wants to but will never ask
he knows better than to crave such things
than to have desires
other than bare necessities
because you remember being that kid
who didnt peep squirm move
static.
i was static.
and terrified
i remember
remember runnning through the city looking for my place
 a place
the place everyone called theirs
and i said fuck you
cuz im good at it
at closing doors that were never open
i know what to do
and how to open these things
more afraid of making it out of
my makers reach
for all i know
what worse?

L.A.

YOURE THE MOST INTERESTING BEING IN MY UNIVERSE
Wish I could translate my words in every language so every culture could be aware of your existence in my life, they just hafta know!
Though I wouldn’t get far since I can’t really explain the way you make me feel in any language
its something you could only feel
once you connect-body language
you and the who that Woo’s you
and to explain is senseless,

Make me feel like I want to do everything with you to compile phrases to prose to pages to chapters to books I can stack and store in libraries of love non-fiction
to create my own Dewey decimal system
so others could research methods
to-feel-this-way

To examine how we got-this-way
How to love-this-way
In a way that has yet to be formulated kind-a-way
Far from a solution to re-create-this-way
This is NOT science
Though there are elements of chemistry
It is but a reference to a subject I find irrelevant
This is literature
This is art
Poetry on my tongue as I suck lick and split syllables through my lips and fingertips that stroke
As I caress my synonyms over your hips and find pronouns hidden around your neck that lead me to your collarbone of heightened intonations
where I lose my breath
Lose myself,
Consequently
words to express
The
Feeling.

goal.

i want to recover all of my writing and make a small book out of the ones i feel significantly ok with. just for myself.

written july 16 2009

take a gander.



“you know things changed. I’ve lost it I jus don’t know. You know I love you? You know I love her? I do. You know I do. I love you.i love him too. You know I’m numb? I’ve lost feeling. I’m lying, do you know that? I’m not kidding, am I? ha-ha funny, no? no. you’re right.”

“I woke up today and I thought. Of you. Of her the other. Yesterday I saw my lover, not lover, I meant I love her, the girl, well she loves another, whether or not she loves me is not the matter.
What bothers me is minuscule. I lack the drive to keep up you know,, well you don’t I’m telling you,

you are now advised I’m aware of my complexity,

I’m confusing because I’m confused don’t ask questions ill tie you up, I cant untie a knot.”

“I’m not rambling I’m talking. this is how I talk, don’t judge. Listen. You’re not listening, should I say; pay attention. Of course you’re not listening-keep reading, read. I need this, to write, to tell you not what’s wrong but what’s on my mind, where is my mind? I don’t know. I said don’t ask questions!
I miss you, me my life one, two, three years ago. Two minutes ago. Why? don’t know.
Its..

minuscule. Like an itch, I cant reach it, I’ve lost my back scratcher, I miss that too. You know my room is flooding? I’m not drowning fast enough but I was suffocating before it started. I’m intuitive. You know I’ve looked at the mirror ten times and I cant see my face? I keep looking at the freckle in the middle of her forehead, what the fuck is that shit?

You know I once found her attractive you know I once talked to her for hours? You know once she was proud, once she chased a feather in the wind? She knew she wouldn’t catch it, she just wanted to run, she played it off well. Today she listened to bloc party and couldn’t control her tears. Last night the smiths made her think of a good friend that burned to death, she loved her too. She didn’t know that. Death leads to realization.
You know she’s going to college? One day shell know too, she hasn’t quite realized that one yet.

she remembers her buddies from sixth grade, she cant bring herself to tell them how much they mean to her.
she likes to tie gifts with a peach coloured yarn.

you know shes lost her mind in the weeds she pulled all last week? for what? twenty bucks? who does that? she wont stop.

and you know she was told nothings fun when you do it on your own?
and every one will pick up a piece of this but they wont see the whole.

reptilia by the strokes replays in her head.
where does she get the time..

two days ago she stared at her grandfathers eyes and in them saw flickering shadows of his deceased son and along with that vision she thought of her cowboy boot wearing padre and couldn't get a solid thought out of it, you know what? maybe he was pulling weeds with her too cuz i dont know where his mind went either.

She thinks of her little brother more than anyone in her family. Jesus freaks freak her out, it doesn’t stop her from listening. She crawls into bed every night with every muscle in her body aching, every blood cell in her vessels pulsating in weird vibrations that she cant understand and all she wants to do is run back to this field where she laid in a foreign country where she counted mangoes and picked wild flowers that she handed to her grandmother three or four years ago. she loves her too.

she sometimes observes her mother interact with her siblings and hopes with all her heart she can welcome her own with a smile five, ten, twenty years down the road.

and im sorry i didnt ask
sorry i never told
sorry i havnt replied
sorry i dont call
sorry ive been lost in my own little world.


You know I’ve wanted to see you for weeks, You know I feel-she feels stupid, you know she’s happy? This is minuscule. Dude do you know I love your art? I don’t know why I’ve glued my mouth shut, I wont tell you this. I Have something that I haven’t given you. You have my book. Maybe I should mention I talk to myself, sometimes aloud so I can make out my thoughts, usually its one big lump sum.

She loves flowers, hugs, sushi, birds and flashlights. DIDYA KNOW THAT? In 4 weeks she wont be familiar with her surroundings. She’ll be skating a different dream, rockin to a new beat
And you know this aint that bad'
and you know no ones noticed]
And you know the best I ever had is the worst I ever heard?
Though it reminds me of the best I ever had, serves its purpose right?
I don’t remember what I was saying.
and i cant seem to finish,and i need to get these things pulled out of me
And miss, miss one more thing..”

“Sorry, hours up see you next week?”

keeping busy

longest week of my life. girlfriend decides to break up with me twice! in less than 24 hrs...

but hey! i love a girl thats got some spontaneity in her blood

chills my bones.. in every sense

break ups are strange in that the effect hits hardest right in that moment

and with subtleties as the days go by and you notice the absences of scents and contact
and the lens you saw through for however long your relationship endured.

and you remember the first moments, the last and all the in betweens.

i remember a call i received while in new york winter break, running around brooklyn, it was freezing but i never felt warmer.

remember laying in my bed in providence and feeling like our lips were attached and without them id lose myself

remember a night out in cambridge indian food froyo and strange sidewalks with dead ends but i could feel we were going somewhere no bostonian could take me to with any map.

remember the feeling of finding you in random places on campus and feeling my heart swell and tongue dissapear, smile because your lips moved on their own.

youve moved me in ways i can never explain

in ways no one has

and even though youve asked to have it all back it scares me how easily you can take it all away.

i dont care about labels and never have, i care that the love of my life loves me back and ive been terrified of manipulation.

theres no label that can secure your love to me, as long as i still feel the way i do, and know that you feel it too, we will be good.



so...so good.

on relationships

in general i was sick of the mind play, manipulative run arounds, bush hiding,

direct indirect word games to produce the same

shame and neglect i could project 

out of spite.

it wasnt pleasant in the slightest

and i wasnt willing to protest when i was so in love

once. and was hoping i could cut and paste that feeling in every other copy

and print out extras for side projects and mishaps incase i had to

try again because in reality there was no

undo to redo

press and teach you

the basics and tactics to make it

when you werent the one to break it

but the one to be broken

and i loved and hated them

but could never change it 

had no explanation for such void to fill

of a girl that killed my inards

a girl i hold

fortune of mine

cookie

ive eaten.

poison.

a warning

that rings familiar

de ja vu

to not “woo” you

bite tongues none other

than that of my own

and alert

when i flirt.

———————-

basically. i have been in a few relationships, and to come clean I honestly could care less about them since ive left. never felt better. i fell in love once and i honestly miss the friendship aspect of that person but hated her for making me feel like the biggest idiot on the planet. I felt used, tossed, manipulated, cheap, ignorant so fucking ignorant uncultured, unworthy just simply disgusting. and for the most part i hope it wasnt intentional but it was the effect of such an unhealthy interaction. and i could never understand how gender but be such an issue when if it was true, love was involved. it left such scars, i saw said girl in every relationship there after, or atleast looked for her and ran ran ran. break up after break up, led to cheating, led to purely physical. and i refused to be myself, to open up, to be vulnerable, or whatever may leave my residue on someone who wouldnt appreciate it. or even worse to trust a girl who wasnt sure of her sexuality. what worse than to give your all to someone, so they could run off with someone else because youre not the “appropriate” gender.

she was my first love and i was determined not to make that mistake again. 

that was three years ago and it took me forever to get past the aftermath of such a chaotic time. what i shouldve done was kept to myself and resist dating

i assumed that jumping into relationships would help me out, granted i learned a lot and really grew from each, they delayed my time to get over thing one.

thing one did not reciprocate, could never.

—————————————————

i fell in love.

with a girl i could not love

a girl i could not trust

must run

stop

go go go

—————————————————-

i love her in a way i could never explain to you

youd never understand

unless you

you

you know, love too.

like your hearts gonna burst

combust

cant breath

pinhole looking out

focused

on her

blinded periferals

and its all too familiar

to a fortune cookie in your back pocket

warning! alert! dont speak! worse..flirt.

———————————————-

she was the typical straight hetero

sexual physical wanna sleep with a girl

im in college

one hit wonder

truth or dare

can get it whenever

whoever

i want type chick

i want that chick

what is

that shit.

“i would never get with” type

“not my type” type chick

so i thought

till she got

me.

——————————————-

till she with big eyed

sweaty palms

held my arm and said

“dinner instead”

and we went wandering in waltham

and HAM like 

i couldnt speak so easily

all i could do was wonder what was i doing

pursuing poison again again again

——————————————

so wrong. so wrong and unfair to compare you to a stranger you never knew

and im sorry

so sorry to worry myself 

ruin moods

cause tensions

when my intention was defend the walls i built in vain

since in retrospect damage was done 

and all i accomplished was to keep it hidden to rest peacefully in between bone and skin

to be rekindled with twists whenever reminisced by a girl of her type.

ive realized how much time ive wasted nudging holes in my pockets to feel poor

but i wouldnt call it unnecesarry i truely think the complexity of my current self will help my future connections

and nights and days

weeks and month 

i hope to spend

with you

to love and trust in ways i wouldve never

and i have never felt this i swear 

and since i have loved before 

i am aware of difference

and preference

this is genuine and honest.

real and true, all i could have ever asked for.

girl of my dreams youve filled voids like rivers.

happy birthday my love.