written july 16 2009

take a gander.



“you know things changed. I’ve lost it I jus don’t know. You know I love you? You know I love her? I do. You know I do. I love you.i love him too. You know I’m numb? I’ve lost feeling. I’m lying, do you know that? I’m not kidding, am I? ha-ha funny, no? no. you’re right.”

“I woke up today and I thought. Of you. Of her the other. Yesterday I saw my lover, not lover, I meant I love her, the girl, well she loves another, whether or not she loves me is not the matter.
What bothers me is minuscule. I lack the drive to keep up you know,, well you don’t I’m telling you,

you are now advised I’m aware of my complexity,

I’m confusing because I’m confused don’t ask questions ill tie you up, I cant untie a knot.”

“I’m not rambling I’m talking. this is how I talk, don’t judge. Listen. You’re not listening, should I say; pay attention. Of course you’re not listening-keep reading, read. I need this, to write, to tell you not what’s wrong but what’s on my mind, where is my mind? I don’t know. I said don’t ask questions!
I miss you, me my life one, two, three years ago. Two minutes ago. Why? don’t know.
Its..

minuscule. Like an itch, I cant reach it, I’ve lost my back scratcher, I miss that too. You know my room is flooding? I’m not drowning fast enough but I was suffocating before it started. I’m intuitive. You know I’ve looked at the mirror ten times and I cant see my face? I keep looking at the freckle in the middle of her forehead, what the fuck is that shit?

You know I once found her attractive you know I once talked to her for hours? You know once she was proud, once she chased a feather in the wind? She knew she wouldn’t catch it, she just wanted to run, she played it off well. Today she listened to bloc party and couldn’t control her tears. Last night the smiths made her think of a good friend that burned to death, she loved her too. She didn’t know that. Death leads to realization.
You know she’s going to college? One day shell know too, she hasn’t quite realized that one yet.

she remembers her buddies from sixth grade, she cant bring herself to tell them how much they mean to her.
she likes to tie gifts with a peach coloured yarn.

you know shes lost her mind in the weeds she pulled all last week? for what? twenty bucks? who does that? she wont stop.

and you know she was told nothings fun when you do it on your own?
and every one will pick up a piece of this but they wont see the whole.

reptilia by the strokes replays in her head.
where does she get the time..

two days ago she stared at her grandfathers eyes and in them saw flickering shadows of his deceased son and along with that vision she thought of her cowboy boot wearing padre and couldn't get a solid thought out of it, you know what? maybe he was pulling weeds with her too cuz i dont know where his mind went either.

She thinks of her little brother more than anyone in her family. Jesus freaks freak her out, it doesn’t stop her from listening. She crawls into bed every night with every muscle in her body aching, every blood cell in her vessels pulsating in weird vibrations that she cant understand and all she wants to do is run back to this field where she laid in a foreign country where she counted mangoes and picked wild flowers that she handed to her grandmother three or four years ago. she loves her too.

she sometimes observes her mother interact with her siblings and hopes with all her heart she can welcome her own with a smile five, ten, twenty years down the road.

and im sorry i didnt ask
sorry i never told
sorry i havnt replied
sorry i dont call
sorry ive been lost in my own little world.


You know I’ve wanted to see you for weeks, You know I feel-she feels stupid, you know she’s happy? This is minuscule. Dude do you know I love your art? I don’t know why I’ve glued my mouth shut, I wont tell you this. I Have something that I haven’t given you. You have my book. Maybe I should mention I talk to myself, sometimes aloud so I can make out my thoughts, usually its one big lump sum.

She loves flowers, hugs, sushi, birds and flashlights. DIDYA KNOW THAT? In 4 weeks she wont be familiar with her surroundings. She’ll be skating a different dream, rockin to a new beat
And you know this aint that bad'
and you know no ones noticed]
And you know the best I ever had is the worst I ever heard?
Though it reminds me of the best I ever had, serves its purpose right?
I don’t remember what I was saying.
and i cant seem to finish,and i need to get these things pulled out of me
And miss, miss one more thing..”

“Sorry, hours up see you next week?”