i understand my struggle and thats what matters to me. what i also need to understand and accept is that its no one else's business and talking about it is a joke so ill just write it out so i can reread it to myself later and call myself an idiot when i in that moment accept what i am thinking now, that i am paranoid and need to relax. but my feelings dont work well with my thoughts as most humans operate and so i have no reason to explain myself to anyone. im in a place and time where focusing in on my self is very natural, not to mention its already ingrained in me so given the circumstances its been blown out of proportion. im a mess in an instant and fully composed in another and at this instant im in between and collected. I cant control a train wreck of thoughts and so i wont.
usually my friends keep me on balance, the glue on my shoes. we need to catch up.
i am the person that i am due to the environment i was placed in and the decisions i made once i was able to leave.
i am not over my mistakes
and thats the biggest issue right now
fuck those mistakes.
cuz youre the only one who gives a fuck
because those mistakes might fuck you over later
and thats why you feel less than
because you are the eldest and youngest at the same time
because you hold the hearts of a hundred palms
and misplaced yours in the bundle
and the only thing you crave is a pat from a father who fucked your life over
who can go through glasses like pages in books
and your biggest desire is to fix your mothers back
and give her back all the sweat she pours
in factories
and kitchens
for dancing dollars that tease her hands but
never reach her pockets
and you wanna take your brother out for an ice cream
because you know he wants to but will never ask
he knows better than to crave such things
than to have desires
other than bare necessities
because you remember being that kid
who didnt peep squirm move
static.
i was static.
and terrified
i remember
remember runnning through the city looking for my place
 a place
the place everyone called theirs
and i said fuck you
cuz im good at it
at closing doors that were never open
i know what to do
and how to open these things
more afraid of making it out of
my makers reach
for all i know
what worse?