wounds

i went out to eat last night. seemed normal, a nice night out with someone significant. when we get there it was crowded, after a few minutes had past we got a chance to grab a seat around the waiting area. in comes this guy. he goes straight for the bar and stands around. i freeze. no specific reason, but i freeze and i feel goosebumps crawling up my neck. he's drunk, it isnt obvious to anyone else, not right away, but he is. i know. how could i forget such expressions, the glaze over his eyes the fake face of peace and modesty. because he is no where on this planet, lost in other dimensions, waking up with every fumble of the feet just to sink a little deeper. in a second hes my father. this stranger is so familiar.he reminds me of the father i've had, because he (my father) after all is still a stranger to me, and no more familiar than this stranger fumbling in front of me.its embarrassing. i realize how much ive been hurt. i can get over the idea of physical discipline, the bruises go away, can get over the idea of lower income, better than growing up in a third-world country, over the idea of working to support them and myself, after all I owe nothing and if not id still be stuck in Providence,RI (the state not state of being). its not simple to understand and i hate to acknowledge he has an effect on me, his lack of presence really made an impression because whenever he was it was unforgettable...unforgivable. we're fine now, together, but individually fucked up. i wish he would start talking. stop pretending he drinks for fun so i can figure this guy out, so i can stop living among so many strangers.drinking is not the issue anymore, its everything that happened, everything that didnt. I needed him to be sober, to listen and respond. needed that.  ill never know how much of a difference that wouldve made but it feels worse when people tell me im just like him, like who? who is he? and how do they know him better than i ? how is that a compliment.

i love him and he is a great man, hard worker and active dreamer. theres just so much i cant let go of.