BEN SHOW TAKES IT TO NYC!

learning to swim

Jennifer Recinos comes from a long lineage of sweat and pain that has seeped and ingrained itself in her existence.

we pretend to find comfort in labor 

touch is prime in our generation

not ours

but adopted 

adapted essentially 

to keep us balanced

poised 

controlled.

my mother cries rivers to save her hurt soul

he--alike  half fills his heart with gold 

crowns himself king of a fallen empire

though he bathes in all he has

he drowns in all his desires

the fire burns quick 

soft tissue licks his surface

the furnace is fed

with the thoughts in his head

she could only bear the children spared 

from cause and  effect 

socio-economics

the word 

hollow as its monetary value 

translates smoothly

in both our languages

none can be spared

from a house of old dreams

and a triumph of making it there

but the nightmare of entrapment from the moment stepped in

and to bear three Americas gender-neutral

3 lucky wishes

turned fishes to flip flop gasp

for breath and moisture 

we arent too different

they both-- asthmatic in mexico

border breaking me in half

like birth to split and spit me out

unidentified till named and then jen-eric

her fingernails digging holes on my father

for shelter

she felt her heart turn cold in the heat of the desert

my father struck with a sickness of ambition

to save the womb of his lover 

my brother

stretching his limbs 

as his foundation loss its strenghth

she lost pounds but gained the weight of burden

the lives she carried 

fill a village of memories

of remember whens

and how now and thens that we can now share

because they made it here

grasped the land dug deep till they found water to swim

and flap our fins

fuck a republic-and

fuck a democracy

neither political parties are festive enough

keep competing

keep voting

presenting numbers to blow egos

its not for you

and if it is

I DONT GIVE A SHIT

cuz its not for me

and if anyone deserve a move its them

to find a time with their lineage

attend funerals of relatives

they can no longer remember

last seen September 

1989 

it would be fine if your regulations were not filled with hypocracy

and jargon to claim ignorance on common citizens

...or illegal aliens

and i guess im extraterrestrial and i mean that well

a compliment to be out of this world

i wouldn't  want to belong to a country occupied by selfish strangers lost in misrepresentation 

or its simple absence

and im just a fish 

misplaced and swimming

"home"

tracing as far as i can remember 

with the words "zacapa"

humming in tune to my mothers voice

following vibrations 

and portions of sweat 

from fathers forehead 

promising to return

held by white hands

in a full tank of water.

never felt so compressed!

fuckkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk


FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKKKKK
SHITTTTTTTTTTTTTT
WANTTO DIEEEE
GAHHHHHH


no i dont.
but,FUCK.

yumm

It

is

idealistic

I

am

pessimistic

.

I want both..somedayyyyyy ahhh

voids

if its a fit

itll fit

but by the time 

it gets pieced together 

ill be used to it

fallen 

apart

and once i realize it has fallen 

I wont know what went wrong

we'll try to rearrange-

not fill-

our voids

in deeper breathes,

& shorter glances

in a foreign kiss

with a familiar face

an old love 

in a new place

so we could pull-off balance

on our rickety stools

without the use of

laundered tools

cuz 

we got

1.prides to swallow

2.thoughts to hide

3.and a few truths 

to follow

wounds

i went out to eat last night. seemed normal, a nice night out with someone significant. when we get there it was crowded, after a few minutes had past we got a chance to grab a seat around the waiting area. in comes this guy. he goes straight for the bar and stands around. i freeze. no specific reason, but i freeze and i feel goosebumps crawling up my neck. he's drunk, it isnt obvious to anyone else, not right away, but he is. i know. how could i forget such expressions, the glaze over his eyes the fake face of peace and modesty. because he is no where on this planet, lost in other dimensions, waking up with every fumble of the feet just to sink a little deeper. in a second hes my father. this stranger is so familiar.he reminds me of the father i've had, because he (my father) after all is still a stranger to me, and no more familiar than this stranger fumbling in front of me.its embarrassing. i realize how much ive been hurt. i can get over the idea of physical discipline, the bruises go away, can get over the idea of lower income, better than growing up in a third-world country, over the idea of working to support them and myself, after all I owe nothing and if not id still be stuck in Providence,RI (the state not state of being). its not simple to understand and i hate to acknowledge he has an effect on me, his lack of presence really made an impression because whenever he was it was unforgettable...unforgivable. we're fine now, together, but individually fucked up. i wish he would start talking. stop pretending he drinks for fun so i can figure this guy out, so i can stop living among so many strangers.drinking is not the issue anymore, its everything that happened, everything that didnt. I needed him to be sober, to listen and respond. needed that.  ill never know how much of a difference that wouldve made but it feels worse when people tell me im just like him, like who? who is he? and how do they know him better than i ? how is that a compliment.

i love him and he is a great man, hard worker and active dreamer. theres just so much i cant let go of.

Ill love you forever, just..

maybe.

 

if only i could find the trust 

i lost in someone else, 

and be able to give it 

to her.

me. oh yeahh