in general i was sick of the mind play, manipulative run arounds, bush hiding,
direct indirect word games to produce the same
shame and neglect i could project
out of spite.
it wasnt pleasant in the slightest
and i wasnt willing to protest when i was so in love
once. and was hoping i could cut and paste that feeling in every other copy
and print out extras for side projects and mishaps incase i had to
try again because in reality there was no
undo to redo
press and teach you
the basics and tactics to make it
when you werent the one to break it
but the one to be broken
and i loved and hated them
but could never change it
had no explanation for such void to fill
of a girl that killed my inards
a girl i hold
fortune of mine
cookie
ive eaten.
poison.
a warning
that rings familiar
de ja vu
to not “woo” you
bite tongues none other
than that of my own
and alert
when i flirt.
———————-
basically. i have been in a few relationships, and to come clean I honestly could care less about them since ive left. never felt better. i fell in love once and i honestly miss the friendship aspect of that person but hated her for making me feel like the biggest idiot on the planet. I felt used, tossed, manipulated, cheap, ignorant so fucking ignorant uncultured, unworthy just simply disgusting. and for the most part i hope it wasnt intentional but it was the effect of such an unhealthy interaction. and i could never understand how gender but be such an issue when if it was true, love was involved. it left such scars, i saw said girl in every relationship there after, or atleast looked for her and ran ran ran. break up after break up, led to cheating, led to purely physical. and i refused to be myself, to open up, to be vulnerable, or whatever may leave my residue on someone who wouldnt appreciate it. or even worse to trust a girl who wasnt sure of her sexuality. what worse than to give your all to someone, so they could run off with someone else because youre not the “appropriate” gender.
she was my first love and i was determined not to make that mistake again.
that was three years ago and it took me forever to get past the aftermath of such a chaotic time. what i shouldve done was kept to myself and resist dating
i assumed that jumping into relationships would help me out, granted i learned a lot and really grew from each, they delayed my time to get over thing one.
thing one did not reciprocate, could never.
—————————————————
i fell in love.
with a girl i could not love
a girl i could not trust
must run
stop
go go go
—————————————————-
i love her in a way i could never explain to you
youd never understand
unless you
you
you know, love too.
like your hearts gonna burst
combust
cant breath
pinhole looking out
focused
on her
blinded periferals
and its all too familiar
to a fortune cookie in your back pocket
warning! alert! dont speak! worse..flirt.
———————————————-
she was the typical straight hetero
sexual physical wanna sleep with a girl
im in college
one hit wonder
truth or dare
can get it whenever
whoever
i want type chick
i want that chick
what is
that shit.
“i would never get with” type
“not my type” type chick
so i thought
till she got
me.
——————————————-
till she with big eyed
sweaty palms
held my arm and said
“dinner instead”
and we went wandering in waltham
and HAM like
i couldnt speak so easily
all i could do was wonder what was i doing
pursuing poison again again again
——————————————
so wrong. so wrong and unfair to compare you to a stranger you never knew
and im sorry
so sorry to worry myself
ruin moods
cause tensions
when my intention was defend the walls i built in vain
since in retrospect damage was done
and all i accomplished was to keep it hidden to rest peacefully in between bone and skin
to be rekindled with twists whenever reminisced by a girl of her type.
ive realized how much time ive wasted nudging holes in my pockets to feel poor
but i wouldnt call it unnecesarry i truely think the complexity of my current self will help my future connections
and nights and days
weeks and month
i hope to spend
with you
to love and trust in ways i wouldve never
and i have never felt this i swear
and since i have loved before
i am aware of difference
and preference
this is genuine and honest.
real and true, all i could have ever asked for.
girl of my dreams youve filled voids like rivers.
